on feelings

we worked on paperwork this weekend.

somewhere in between the application, budget analysis and marriage survey a small prick began busting open in my heart.

sometimes, i really miss my baby.

is that even possible? missing someone you don’t even have in your life yet? cause it’s the closest thing i can say to describe how i’m feeling right now. my arms feel empty without the one God has for us.

and can i say that it’s hard for me to admit this? can i say that sometimes i’d rather whisper the struggles because it means i’m actually investing in this process?

i know there are others in this season of wait who may not understand my hesitant longing.

but it’s there – and i’m learning how to fully embrace the tension of nothing changing physically vs. everything changing within my heart. i feel her leaning, as if my heart knows something i don’t. as if she’s wanting me to stop and take a second to think about the baby i will soon be holding.

so we’re taking steps. we’re about two breaths away from submitting the application for our new agency, and after that’s received the home study will begin. i’m excited. i’m excited and scared and overwhelmed and humbled.

and i wouldn’t trade those feelings for the world because i’m feeling. for so long i didn’t know how to feel – didn’t know how to really admit those thoughts swirling in my head. but i am now – and i know a lot of me being able to is this process and how it’s refining me. how HE’S refining me.

it’s a beautiful thing to experience, this restoration of hearts.