april 5 will mark five months since we began this process.
it’s been almost four since we’ve really made any headway.
part of this is because of some things God’s bringing to the surface – parts of our story He has yet to redeem. it’s always difficult when refinement happens, but throw in juggling the process of adoption and well…it probably explains why the application sits on our dresser untouched since late november.
i’ve wanted to update for almost two months. there’s just been nothing and everything to say. russ is on his way home from africa now – and i’m recuperating from a surprise surgery and the windwhipped feeling of standing in God’s presence. i’ve wrestled a lot in the past month. sat in the same room and conversed with some of the most giving and audacious people in the realm of orphan care at ideacamp. felt the familiar ache of knowing God wants me to step into the world of motherhood and then the suffocating fear of failing.
so, i’m making an attempt to start somewhere. hopefully over the next few weeks i can fill you in on everything that’s happened since 2011 brought on more challenges russ & i have seen in our five years of marriage. in a way, it serves as an encouragement. resistance often points to us walking the right path. in other ways, it’s absolutely exhausting and i fight turning and running every day.
but then i dream of russ holding our baby boy, and the moment an e-mail will reveal years of waiting wrapped in a tiny smile. then, everything seems worth it. in that moment, i’d do anything to have this process complete and i’m given new strength to make it another day.
You’re absolutely right – when it finally happens, it’s totally worth it. All the ridiculous work that went into it will seem like nothing. Hang in there!
Know that God has provided you with an army of supporters who will physically hold you up when you no longer have the strength to fight and to wrap their arms around you and hold you tight when you feel like you could burst into tears at any and every moment. You have nothing to fear when God is with you! We are all hear to wisper in your ear words of encouragement and remind you…you are awesome, God has hand picked you and Russ to be the best parents for a child and everytime you see that child smile or hear laughter your hearts will swell with love you never knew possible. Being a mother has only opened my heart more and brought me closer to understanding God’s love for me. You can do this!
thank you so much, kristi. grateful for your friendship. who knew living down the street from each other in middle school would be so providential?!