Little one,

I remember two years ago, right about now, I fought for control over our life without you. Your mother can be selfish in so many ways, and in those moments, I craved comfort.

And motherhood is anything but comfortable.

But we jumped in, as we always do. Your papa and I aren’t known for decisions that make much sense. We like it this way – forces us to rely on faith.

Like now.

There was talk of Halloween at the dinner table tonight. Costumes brainstormed and party invites discussed. It made the old ache return – deep in my chest – because only a few weeks ago I believed there was a chance we’d see you by then. I even stopped a few times at some of the tiny dog-eared suits and lady-bugged bottoms.

But if you weren’t going to be here by then, you’d definitely be here by Thanksgiving, and I remembered the Mama’s Little Turkey shirt I almost placed in the cart when papa and I went to look at carseats.

And well…let’s not get into Christmas. Not yet. My heart’s too tender to think of another one spent waiting without you.

Can I tell you something? It’s hard right now – this keeping the faith. I don’t understand why we would need to believe we were so close to having you in our arms only to find out we have longer to wait. And I know in the end, it still may not make sense but at least we’ll know you really were out there waiting – that there really was someone who needed a mom and dad.

I’m tired of answering questions. Tired of these empty arms. Tired of the road that seems covered with challenges.

Two years ago, on the eve of holidays, I breathed in the cooler air and believed with all of my heart you and I would find each other. Despite my fear, despite the knowing of just how hard this process would be or why adoption would be our plan A -

I knew.

And now?

And now, I’m a little sad and a lot disappointed that our Christmas card will seem lacking without you in it.

But here’s where everything shifts – here’s where I remind you (and me because you know how forgetful I can be about these things) there is no lacking in the plan of Christ and right now our family is full to the brim of love and just waiting for you to spill it over.

Our God always sets the lonely in families – and we are no exception.

Will you hurry to us? We’re here. Waiting.

dear one,

it’s been awhile since i’ve written you, but it’s not because i’ve forgotten. it’s hard to put into words exactly how i feel about you, even though we’ve never met. i feel my heart bend toward you more and more each day. i pray for you – wherever you are – that God would keep you safe and loved and somehow you would understand the absolute magic of us coming together.

that’s what it is, you know. magic.

i know there will be some brokenness involved. i know there will be moments where you wonder at your beginning. but know this :: this waiting period has revealed to me the goodness of One who knows and heals and makes right the broken pieces.

no one is ever left incomplete.

all we have to do is trust and believe.

this is where the magic begins my little love. mostly because there are moments where i don’t feel as if i trust and believe as i should, and yet He moves and heals me anyway. usually when i’m driving and see the sun creep over the distant hills, waking up as slow as possible, the oranges and pinks and yellows streaking across the night sky. this is when i remember the magic. this is when my heart starts beating a little quicker and my mind moves to you – and even now, even without knowing, i’m thankful.

so here i sit, listening to the morning wake up, and i know one thing more than any other :: we’re still waiting for you.

i love you, pumpkin,

mama.

a year ago, your papa & i decided to find you.

i hope you know we prayed for you. i hope you know every day i think about you.

it’s been a rough year. some day, when you’re old enough, i’ll tell you about everything that’s happened. hopefully, you’ll know our Papa and know His goodness. hopefully you’ll see His hand leading us to you the entire way.

because here’s the thing little one: i wouldn’t trade a second of the struggle i’ve seen this year if it means it’s getting me closer to you. and at times i get a little freaked out and at times i wonder if i can even do this mom thing, but i know He’s able. i know once i look in your eyes it will all seem silly. and if He’s called me to pursue you and motherhood and risking all my love, then there’s nothing else i want to be doing.

our application is almost finished. we’re doing everything we can to get to you. i promise. every day i remind myself that we can’t rush you just as much as we can’t rush ourselves. timing is what it is and we might as well rest in His hands and rely on His movings. if there’s one thing i’ve learned this year is that nothing happens outside His will and everything happens for a reason.

and you know what this means with you? you were meant to be with us. you were meant to be our child.

you are not a mistake.

christmas is almost here – our second christmas knowing we have a little one coming but not knowing when. i can’t help but wonder if this time next year i’ll be holding you in my arms. i only pray this is true. if not, know we’ll still be waiting. know we’ll still be praying.

i can’t wait to see you.